Hello world!
Wow, can you believe it's been over a year since I've used this blog? And then since 2012 since the time before that! Jesus, am I ever sorry! I have just used other forms of expression and blogging since then, and have basically been neglecting this one, haha - with school and everything. But no excuses!
I just wanted to share how I've been feeling over the past couple of months and weeks as I learn more about myself and as I learn more about life as an upper year university student studying in Canada. I just have a few more semesters to go, and I realized that...the time really does fly by. It flies by because sometimes, I don't enjoy what I'm doing and live on the skin of my teeth week by week. Sometimes, I just cannot wait until the week is over. It's like that most weeks actually. I'm not really enjoying myself these days at my school. And I'm not really enjoying the company I keep around. And I think that has to change. I have to get my shit more together and gain a better understanding of what it is that I want, and get a better grip and hold on my life. I'm absolutely sick, so very sick of living each day, day-to-day, just living week-by-mediocre-fucken-week. I fucken hate it. It is so boring. It is so draining. And it sucks the life right out of me. It also makes me feel extremely lonely and unfulfilled.
Well, no more! Today, is the brand new after Chinese New Year, and I'm going to make the rest of this semester count! Over the past couple of months, I have let those unimportant to me fizzle out and dissolve away, a bit with a heavy heart. But, I think that is the best medicine. I have to let go of things that're holding me back. I have to let go of the negative, clingy, poor things that keep me in fear, that prevent me from pursuing my dreams. I read a quite somewhere before: if you want to fly free, you have to let go of the things that weigh you down. And I feel like I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to accomplish that for sure. I almost never talk to my high school best friend anymore. My other best friend is "says" she is going to move abroad, but we'll see about that. My other dropped out of university last year. And my other friend just started her first year...you know...whatever. Whatever. And the friends here right now at my university, some are pretty mediocre. They're just mediocre. They're just stepping, flowing through the motions, but not feeling and reeling and taking it all in. I don't see any strong emotions, and feelings, and passion from them. They may as well be walking skinny skeletons with dead, black, bored, sunken eyes, because that's all I see from these people. Riddled and crippled with insecurity, fear, uncertainty, guilt, shyness, timidness, anxiety, and even more fear. But I can't let that get to me. I have to keep around the people around me who have similar goals and aspirations as me. I have to keep those people around and remember why I am here. Everyone has their own reasons for being in university and being in school. Mind are a little more refined. And I want to gain as much as humanly possible as I can from this experience and walk away a changed person for it. I'm already quite a more changed, refined, growing, mature person, truly! But I can't forget why I came here. I can't forget why I nearly killed myself over to even be here. It was because I wanted to chase after something higher, better for myself. I wanted to make deep, meaningful relationships with lifelong friends. I wanted to learn more about myself. I wanted to learn how the field I'm interested in can take me further. I wanted to create lasting memories, and fun moments, like what the typical "university" experience would be like. I wanted a little more taste of freedom. I wanted to get away from the city, from my parents, from the known, from the familiar, from the recognizable, and experience something completely new and different in a new and different city. That's why I came here. And quite honestly, yes, I think some of my goals have been reached, or at least partially met. I have formed some pretty deep, meaningful, long-lasting relationships here for sure. I have made some pretty great memories with some pretty great people. I have expanded my social circles and my network of connections/contacts. I have learnt more about my field than I would have ever thought possible past coach or "sports scientist". I have learnt so much. I have learnt immensely about myself, about the world, about how others function, and I am grateful for that. Literally, anything from drinking to keeping friends to how to talk to acquaintances to what colour belt to wear to microexpressions of the face to stupid LabChart to period pants to talking to professors to scheduling my time to the bussing system to understanding the city more to...the list goes on and on.
Wow, I haven't thought about that in a very long time - why I came to university, the purpose of me being in university and as a grade 12 student, what I thought I wanted to get out of it, and what I'm actually experiencing now and receiving out of my experiences so far.
But hey, there's still a few more semesters to go, still a good chuck of the semester left for this term, and I'm excited to put my new skills to the test, and to pursue my new shorter term goals. I have a couple more renewed, new, fresh, goals to work towards for the rest of the semester and for the summer coming up. 2015 will be a pretty decent year, I'm sure of it. And I want to only prepare myself for the best, but don't be surprised if I'm dealt with the worse. Because I honestly need to surround myself with the best, positive, upbeat, friendly, outgoing, intellectually-stimulating people. And all the other people in this fucken shin-dig - all the negative, ugly, stupid, lazy, slothy, jealous, envious, insecure, stupid, dependent, jealous, envious, fearful, incompetent, dumbass, party-er, flaky, idiots can just get the fuck out and fuck the fuck off. Stop being a distraction to me. That's it - you are invisible to me. You're like that stupid theory: If I didn't hear the tree fall down, did it still fall down? Of course it did you stupid ignorant idiot! Absolutely the same thing here. I sort of have to be ignorant of certain people and things in order to chase after and stay concentrated and keep my eyes on the prize of my goal: If I don't fucken visually see you or make eye contact with you, you don't fucken exist in my life. You are out of my motherfucken mind so goddamn fast. So fast. I go 0 to 100 nigga real quick.
